Are you “too much”?
Where does joy begin?
During a leadership program in 2006, my tribe nicknamed me Waterfall. We had gotten to see each other close-up over the course of the 10-month program. They spoke of my passionate personality, effusive expression of Love and affection, fluid state of vulnerability and feeling. I felt seen. It was like music to my ears.
One of my tribe mates, a man named Scott who I’d grown close to and still stay in touch with 18 years later, then had the courage to elaborate:
“When you don't learn to turn down the faucet, you can easily flood the meadow.”
That was 18 years ago. I've been working to refine my flow ever since. Paying closer attention so I extend mindfully, aiming to never let my hugs or loving words go beyond the place where that soul can receive them. It isn’t easy. But it’s well worth the work. Just like anyone who’s on the “far end of the spectrum” in one way or another, I want to be skillful in how I blend and engage with others.
Is anyone well served by diminishing their authenticity, the genuine expression of their unique soul? No.
Should I have just flipped ‘em off and told them I won’t shrink for anyone? No.
Because nobody’s asking me not to be me. They’re just telling me how I’m affecting them. Then it’s up to me to choose.
Every single one of us is always having an impact.
Sometimes our impact is intended and sometimes it's unintended. In an emotionally primitive society where we gossip behind each other’s backs instead of approaching each other with brave and honest mindfulness, it was an extraordinary gift to hear, face to face, about my unintended impact on that day. It hurt badly for a couple days, but it was very, very helpful — humbling and clarifying.
What did he mean by “flood the meadow”?
The intended impact of my ‘waterfall’ way is to leave people feeling radically loved. Aglow in the beauty of Love’s radiance. I thought, How could I possibly be having a negative impact when all I’m doing is extending Love?
What I learned is that sometimes people feel overwhelmed by my effusiveness, even violated. Ouch. That is the opposite of my intention. (Do you relate?)
Some of the women in my tribe told me they had been raped before — their boundaries weren’t like mine and they didn’t want hugs from me — ouch, ouch, and more ouch. Or they didn’t come from affectionate families and simply didn’t relate to hugs and touch the way I did.
Are you aware of your unintended impacts?
Who in your Life is courageous enough to tell you when you are having an impact you probably didn’t choose?
Are you open to receiving this kind of feedback? It’s almost never easy to hear.
We all have places where we cannot see ourselves that other people can. If nobody had the courage to tell me about these unintended impacts, I'd be oblivious.
Sometimes other people can see beauty in us that we cannot yet see. Most of the time, that kind of seeing is easier than what could be called the tough stuff.
I salute the people who are willing to speak the uncomfortable. Scorpios tend to have gotten this memo — and some of them have even refined their delivery so it feels less like a stab and more like a subtle pinch. (Wink wink, gotta love those Scorps.)
If I didn't find it deeply joyful and enriching to express my Love for others out loud, I'd stop doing it altogether. As far as I know, that will not happen because the only time I have is now. The only Life I have is here — and it feels really good to be a wide open expresser of the thing we all need and want most: Love. I'm far from perfect in my art here; sometimes I make messes and do my best to clean them up. It has meant I’ve had to let go of wanting people to like me, which has led me to accept that the most important person to like each of us, is ourselves.
At the end of the day, if we could die pleased with how we showed up, we can die in peace.
Do you like yourself?
Where does your joy begin?
In the place where we find our greatest passion, there will be plenty of people who don't like us, and there will also be people who admire us tremendously.
Joy is our birthright. Just look at the way children and dogs so readily laugh, play, wag their tails and leap off sand dunes.
Where does your joy begin?
If you are out of touch with joy today, looking for it, I ask you,
Where do you find Light?
What are you curious about?
What makes you feel alive?
Happiness is a range, as conveyed in the gorgeous poem below by IN-Q.
My ecstatic mannerisms after brain surgery and a near death experience should not be looked to for comparison, just like we shouldn't compare our grown-up sense of freedom to a child's willingness to skip and frolic. We can be gentle, instead. We can celebrate each other.
What is one of your most joyful memories?
I am reminded of an unforgettable experience while living in Sweden. Walking away from my daughter’s preschool, en route to a bathhouse on a rainy day, my earphones playing Stevie Wonder’s Overjoyed… I sang in ecstasy. My pen practically jumped out of my backpack to begin writing a letter to Stevie Wonder. At the bathhouse, words spilled onto paper. The letter was published by Braided Way Magazine. Here’s part of it:
Two weeks ago on a city tram, I taught my daughter what it means to be blind. “Some people’s eyes don’t work the way yours do,” I told her. “They read with their hands, or with their hearts.” She touched the braille bumps on the tram’s red stop button, enchanted.
Clearly, you see with your heart. In this world of so much pull to move away from the heart and into fear’s enslavement, you have chosen to share your biggest gift – your enormous capacity to feel love – through sound, through song.If there is one small piece of joy in your day, give thanks for it. You're on the range. It's always available.
Last I checked, the moon and the sun can see each other from a distance and admire one another’s completely unique glow. They are not meant to look the same. There is blessed Light in both.
Ready to greet your greatest pain or fear with the superpower called Love as your guide? Pain is a messenger that there’s fear to resolve, and on the other side of fear, more joy awaits you! I’ve got two openings for coaching clients. Find details on the 4-month process I’ve designed as a Love Coach, or sign up for an exploration call with me here.
Be well,
Jess
“For enlightenment, you don’t have to be Jesus. You don’t have to be Buddha. You just have to do the things that make you feel Light.”
Byron KatieHere’s a piece of IN-Q’s poem on Happiness.
“Happiness is not a point. It’s a range.
It’s not a goal that you reach because
it’s constantly in phase but if you stay
inside the margins and you consciously engage,
your happiness can find a balance on the
razor’s edge of change
“Happiness is not a destination on the map.
There’s nothing that’s outside of you
that’s gonna show you where you’re at.
Awareness is a conscious act.
My happiness is not an accident.
I practiced it. I practiced it and practiced it.
I tried to master it but life’s too multifaceted.
Besides we’d all get bored without
resorting to change.
What’s my point?
Happiness is not a point.
It’s a range.
If you don’t know what your purpose is,
tell me what your passion is.”
Hear the full conversation between Commune host, Jeff Krasno and IN-Q here: The Art of Alchemizing Acceptance.
This is lovely!! Enjoyed this entire piece full of wisdom & insight; and you’ve given me a deeper lens from which to ponder how I am received by others- my intended and unintended impact, as you say.