Forgiving Marin

What’s geography got to do with it?

Letter writing is penned intimacy. So today I write to the place where I grew up, Marin County, California, to express and release my wounded imprints from its effects on me. As with all that I write, let this be an invitation for you.

I invite you to look at the beliefs you absorbed from the geography that held you in your youngest years — liberating yourself from the prison where fear and blame live, and choosing love’s freedom instead. 

I have always felt grateful to have been raised in a beautiful place, just north of the Golden Gate Bridge, ten miles inland from the Pacific Ocean’s big wet lap of wildness. 

In the late 1970s into the 80s, West Marin County had a culture so devoted to respecting the environment that, as a child, I wasn’t even aware there were cultures that didn’t. Neighborhoods were safe, quaint and enveloped in natural, abundantly green open space. 

My grandparents, Angelina and Juan, lived up the hill. Born and raised in Puerto Rico, their Spanish speaking sweetened my early ears. 

My dad worked hard so we, his three children, grew up more comfortably than he had in the Bronx, New York. 

And as far back as I can remember, my mom told me I was a dream come true. 

Yet alongside these elements of a fortunate childhood, there lived irritation under my skin. Although I was surrounded by a lot of financially wealthy people, many of them seemed unhappy. 

Simple arithmetic implanted itself in my early consciousness: 

Wealthy does not equal happy. 

me, 1978

Recently, I listened to a podcast about the power of our beliefs, and how we are all programmed in our early years with beliefs that linger on as we age. Some of these beliefs are life affirming, helping us to create the lives we want. Others are oppressive, keeping us in repeating cycles of dissatisfaction. 

During the podcast, I realized I had two unhelpful beliefs that were programmed in my consciousness as a child growing up in Marin. And I thought…

I want to feel fully free and fully alive — not half dead, not mostly alive, not wishing for aliveness someday, when this or that thing happens — 

Aliveness is now or never. 

I want every single belief that I hold onto, to help create absolute aliveness while I am still breathing in this miraculously precious thing called a human body.

I don’t want beliefs that drag me down.

Reprogramming my unhelpful beliefs is therefore necessary if I want to feel the fullness of this vitality, rather than being imprisoned by the unhelpful beliefs in my subconscious. 

This is true for all of us. 

We are in relationship with everything, including the place where we live, our geography on this glorious life support system called Earth. 

Have you ever considered forgiving the place where you grew up? Noticing unhealthy programming you received as a baby and in early childhood — or even in the womb — that came from the cultural impressions of the place where you lived? 

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Dear Marin, 

I am fortunate to have grown up in your quaint and coastal, softly sunlit lap. 

As a kid, I always had what I needed and usually got what I wanted. You surrounded me with majestic views of sloping coastal hills, prancing deer on redwood tree lined trails, charming streams, pathways and bridges in town centers and idyllically curated storefronts. Natural foods, clean VW buses and Birkenstocks were the cultural norm. I never feared for my safety at school or at home. Architecture was unique and captivating. 

I have always felt privileged and grateful to have grown up in your embrace. 

But I also have held judgment about you all these years… and it's time to let that go. 

McNears Beach + our front yard in San Anselmo's Sleepy Hollow

Growing up, I saw women climb out of shiny BMWs on your downtown San Rafael and Mill Valley streets. They looked pretty on the outside in their tailored pastel sundresses and white Italian sandals, yet they often seemed empty on the inside.  

Nice car, I thought. Pretty dress. Yet I noticed those things didn’t seem to make them happy. 

Here’s where the problem comes in.

Instead of simply noticing that material things didn’t necessarily bring happiness, I absorbed a judgment about people who still sought after and flaunted them. And when I left you in my early teenage years, it wasn’t long before I thought… 

I never want to go back. That place is shallow and I am not. 

with my cousin Raquel (L) feeling sassy (R) in our grandparents’ backyard

Thirty years after I left your luxurious Golden Gated lap, I sit here today writing to you with words people often say on their deathbeds. 

I forgive you, Marin. 

Please forgive me. 

I love you, Marin.

Will you say you love me? 

These days, when I see women with facelifts and purses from one expensive brand or another, their self confidence so low that they seek external approval from men or other women, empty inside because they grasp for superficial appearances to help them feel worthy — 

That isn’t mine to judge. 

My desire to create a world with more Love in it means that I do not add pain to pain. 

When I perceive someone else feeling hollow inside, with low self worth, the best I can do is have compassion for their human experience — after all, I’ve felt that too — and then choose to see them whole, overflowing with self worth and knowing that all they really need is within their own beautiful soul. 

Please forgive me for adding pain to pain, all these years. 

kindergarten, Fairfax 1980, I had found scissors and had fun with my bangs

I also chose to take on the belief that financial abundance equates with unhappiness, and I now realize this isn't true. I write to you, Marin, to free myself. I can instead reside in gratitude and thank you for actually showing me — everywhere I looked, bright as day — that human happiness does not depend on money in the bank. 

The significant piece I’ve recently reclaimed is that money in the bank doesn't inherently prohibit human happiness. 

There are financially wealthy people who are generally fulfilled in life, just like there are people who are considered poor who are generally happy too. I saw them all over India.  

You loved me so well as a child. 

Your dazzling fog-kissed Marin Headlands and clean coastal air held me kindly, as did the smiles of my friendly neighbors who cared about children and kindness and the ozone layer. 

Thank you for the gorgeous architecture you impassioned me with; I have never let that passion go. 

Thank you for your imprints of Swedish flair starting with my preschool teacher, Florence Engström, followed by your ample Scandinavian architecture, to my first car, a cobalt blue Volvo sedan. 

You actually love me. And I can choose to see through these eyes. 

You don't have power over my peace of mind, just as a Lamborghini and fake nails do not.

Judgment is me giving my power away.

All humans and all geographies are equally lovable, and all humans are free regardless of circumstances. When I forget this, I can just think of Nelson Mandela. 

I see that every judgment I hold is my own choice, conscious or not, to keep myself imprisoned. Every judgment I express is coming from someplace inside, where I’m still judging me. Today I choose Love’s key, and set myself free. 

Marin, thank you for loving me. 

Just like you showed me as a child, I am safe, I am wealthy, I am loved — from within. 

Gratefully,
Jessica

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Are you finding life these days to be extra intense? Keep leaning into light. Here are two treats you might find helpful.

First, a wonderful 25-minute podcast from Michael Meade on The Call of Genius. Meade says, “Each major life event has within it an opportunity to awaken to the call of the deeper self and the resident genius of the soul.”

And here’s a fantastic one-hour piece from Coherence Education on finding your child’s (and your own!) genius.

The folks at Coherence Education are inviting us to join together in bringing about a world where children’s brilliance is completely honored, championed and cultivated — a stark contrast to the one we’re living in now.

I mean, really, imagine that… children’s innate brilliance being honored!?! (Yes, I am snarky sometimes.) Seriously though, sincere thanks to everyone who reveres and supports children.

Bye for now!
I love you~
Jess

Jessica Rios
Writer + Performer + Love Coach

my mentor of 23 years, Tom Carpenter, before he passed on