One of my ‘dark sides’ is grumpiness. Single mom living in an expensive area, rebuilding a business, waking up at 3:30 or 4:45 every day to start work, for years and by the end of the day…
Sometimes I just can’t quit. Every moment I can put into working means I'm closer to full financial independence again, I think.
But that's just part of me. That is the part of me that's wired to drive, drive, drill, work. A wiser part of me knows, That was the day, I've done enough.
You do this, too? Go go go until you’re stressed out, grumpy, short-circuited and yet you still can't seem to stop? It makes no sense as I write this piece, yet in the moments when I'm doing it, somehow my wiring just. Keeps. Going. An inner beast, incessantly… drilling.
Last night it happened again. Sigh…
Morning began with a gorgeous hike, healthy interactions with other people on the trail, shining from within because it feels so good to take care of my body and soul.
Midday I accomplished a goal I’d set forth in July. Six months later – done! I led my first online masterclass. It was a big deal. I'm not a fan of the computerized life, and I had to learn several new software pieces to make it happen. Although there's room for improvement, I'm deeply pleased with what I'm bringing to the world through my work.
Yet as the day went on, somehow after dinner with my daughter, I just couldn't stop.
I went for a walk and spoke with a colleague. He noticed my stress level, and gently made a strong suggestion that I take some deep breaths and really acknowledge myself for the mountains I'd just climbed.
I resisted, telling him I just need to keep going. “It's like I've come through some rapids on an exciting river and I need to stay engaged, paddle ready for the next set of rapids around the bend.”
Bedtime approached and I was grumpy with my daughter. The love of my life.
Another sigh…
She's used to this, she unquestionably knows I love her, and still... What is being asked of me here? How am I being called-out to “make Love to fear” as I teach in my masterclass?
We work, work, work in a society that doesn't generally support deep self-care. Unconsciously, we oppress ourselves into a mindset that whispers incessantly inside our heads, To make it happen you must keep going. Go until you drop....
So today, here with you, I recommit.
All I can do is tell the truth in this moment of now, transparently acknowledging that I am in the human experience and not always the vividly loving presence I am often known to be.
What commitment to self-care is wanting your attention today?
Love doesn’t ask us to move mountains, right now. It simply asks us to choose it — Now.
As I sit in bed at 4 AM writing these words with my Earl Grey tea, I commit to blocking off this coming Sunday to repot plants on my balcony, write a letter to my daughter's grandfather in Sweden as he approaches his 80th birthday, and bask in the January sun. My desk, computer and to-do list can wait until Monday. Through this choice, I am telling the universe that I see, it is happening. All the work I've put in this past three years is fueling a rocket whose journey I can trust.
Exhale…
Nighttimes, for me, aren’t for working. It’s time I make a rule about that, generally considering work after dark off-limits for the sake of —
letting my shoulders relax,
connecting with my daughter and our dog spaciously,
seeing Grumpy as an occasional visitor rather than a frequent undesired companion who I welcome in more often than I should.
And so it is.
