Looking for "the One?"
on the choice to marry yourself
In sickness and in health... Ever consider marrying yourself?
Many times when I've experienced a broken heart — usually with the ending of a romance that I really wanted to keep but Life, The All, and God knew better — I have realized the only person I’ll always have to be a lover to is me.
At first there is an exhale of disappointment, and then great freedom appears.
After experiencing this a number of times, it is like I have chosen to actually marry myself. To take the vows without an official ceremony, yet with full and absolute commitment.
What does it mean to be our own lover?
It means that we are ‘self-seated’, keeping our attention centered on our own thoughts, feelings and actions, knowing that the world we each see around us is highly mutable dependent upon our own state of mind. It means that we take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions, because we accept that our own inner and outer wellness creates a healthier world around us.
To marry oneself is to commit wholeheartedly to loving oneself, in sickness and health, to make a vow before the eternally official eyes of God that —
I will remember that Love is who I am,
and I am the main person I am responsible for loving,
the One I can always come home to.
When someone isn’t interested in me, I can be interested in myself.
When someone loses interest in me, I can ask, How am I actually fascinating? And then I choose to go be and feel that, basking in my own self wonder. I inquire within, Where can I place more of my interest, for the sake of my own aliveness and joy?
When life seems selfish, like it’s holding back something I really want — a secure job, a pain-free, healthy body or a satisfying romantic partnership — how can I open up to being my own greatest lover, believing in myself as the perfect match for this thing I so deeply want?
When we choose to be our own best lover, we become less dependent on others, attracting more fulfilling relationships where both people are self-seated, rather than the more common flavors of entanglement and co-dependence, where we believe the other person has something we need that we cannot access without them.
When we choose to wholly love ourselves, we are less emotionally frail, more spiritually resilient, we feel… more centered in the wonder of who we are.
Love.
It’s not only ourselves who benefit from our choice to commit to ‘the One’ through our own self. When we choose to be more alive in our own being, there is a win-win with attracting and keeping partnership, too.
Belgian-American psychologist Esther Perel promoted the concept of “erotic intelligence" in her book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Internationally regarded for her work with human relationships, she has done numerous studies to find what makes people attracted to each other, and says “when I see them in their element” is “probably the biggest turn-on across the board.”
In my life journey, I have taken this discovery of self-commitment into various art forms. I’ll share two here as invitations for you to spark your own artful life, as your own greatest lover.
One began in 2006 when I decided to reclaim my ability to show up in photographs without posing. I had just returned from a rafting trip in northern India and noticed that Indians don't pose like Americans do. I wanted to be more like them. Less pretending (“Smile for the camera!”). More in touch with my truth at that moment, not directed by what people might want to see but by my inner truth — authentic. One evening I felt inspired to take my own photos, playing with composition and light, color and mood, and I found that it was easy to ‘not pose’ for my own camera, set to snap with a timer. This led to a 3 ½ year process that was so meaningful and transformative, I ended up doing an art show with these images in 2009 which 200 people attended.
It all started with a creative fire inside of me — that I listened to, and followed. This creative fire lives inside of you, too. And only you can fully stoke it.
Another way this art has emerged for me is singing myself love songs. When I hear a love song and a certain man comes to mind — be it Sting, who I’ll always have a crush on, or a guy I know personally — I turn my attention to my adoration of God and a bolt of electric passion burns blissfully through my body. Through my mouth and vocal chords, I become elated with a surge of divine sensuality.
And this particular form of ecstasy through singing is available anytime, anyplace. How magnificent is that!?
When I feel that God and I are One, these art forms expand even more sweetly. It is the ultimate communion, streaming through art… nothing short of Heaven on Earth.
Don’t prolong ecstasy. Propose today.
What love songs will you sing yourself next?
Roll your car windows up, turn up the volume and use that voice you were given to belt-out a love song for your own, completely unique and totally lovable, one precious self. Here are some tunes to kickstart your drive.
Love is the Seventh Wave, Sting
Baby Can I Hold You, Tracy Chapman
Keep on Loving You, REO Speedwagon
Lay Down Beside Me, Alison Krauss & John Waite
Whenever You Come Around, Vince Gill
And if you want highly attentive one-on-one support to make it happen, get in touch. I’ve got two coaching spots open for my 6-month Making Love to Fear journey.
Loving you is such a joy~
Jess
Jessica Rios
Writer + Love Coach
Founder, Making Love to Fear + Leaning into Light
