After my divorce in 2006, I was angry. I felt devastated by the shocking situation we were in. After all, I didn't get married to get divorced. I got married to stay with my partner, enjoy life together and work through the hard stuff.
But if there's one lesson we all must learn, it's that we are not in control.
Even when we do our very best, actively stepping up to do the Big Work involved in intimate partnership, there is always a question mark right by our side.
The unknown stares at us in the face.
We just do not know. We do not know the outcome and we certainly cannot control it.
What we can control is our state of mind. No one has power over us with that. And the good news is —
Pain is a gift in disguise.
Back then, the pain I felt was understandable.
I had a story. From my perspective, there were actions taken by others, especially my ex-husband's family, that left my heart hurting.
Didn't they want to come together and talk about it, not necessarily to see things the same way but simply to listen to each other and compassionately interact?
Wouldn't it ultimately feel better for us to connect and recognize —
that we are all in the human experience, which is inherently messy, and we are far more lovable than we are not?
Eventually, my ex-husband and I reconnected on the phone. I called him a year or so after the divorce was finalized and told him I appreciated the time we shared together, and I did not have any bad feelings about him. We ended the call with me telling him, “I love you,” and to my surprise, he said, “I love you too.”
Once a year or so, I call him again and we have a short ‘n sweet conversation checking in on each other's lives.
How cool is that? I remain amazed.
That is not the norm. Most stories of divorce include hateful accusations, ultimately imprisoning the accuser due to their own unwillingness to accept bigger truths that are always at play.
Like this one —
We are the creators of our own experience. We are each the projector of our own screenplay.
Your story isn't the same as mine. It isn't meant to be. We are all, every 9 billion of us, one unique hue in the magnificent rainbow of human existence. Your traumas and wounds weave into the creation of your screenplay and mine weave into mine. The lessons we still need to learn will use other people, who are essentially projections of consciousness seeming to be in bodies, to help us learn those lessons.
Yet having differences doesn't mean we can't have harmony.
Many experiences have sprinkled my life with this theme — the theme of letting pain oppress us, or the choice to forgive setting us free.
What is forgiveness?
The choice to accept that humans can do only one of two things — we can express Love or we can call for Love. There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. There is messy, gorgeous humanity, ready to be celebrated and forgiven.
This perception brings freedom.
And we each get to choose. How generous is that?!?
The choice to blame and stay in pain does the opposite. It imprisons us. And only you have the key for your freedom. Only I have the key for mine.
On the morning of the recent total solar eclipse, another lightning bolt along this theme crossed my path. I heard that a woman who was one of my closest friends for almost 20 years was still in pain about the dissolution of our friendship.
Neither of us anticipated a platonic “break up” and there went Life, delivering surprises.
Before my brain tumor diagnosis, she and another close friend intervened with me during a period when I was depressed, noticeably overweight and unhappy. Their action was brave and deeply loving. I was not only grateful; I admired them for it.
Still, it was an uncomfortable situation and none of us yet knew I had a massive brain tumor growing in my left prefrontal cortex.
This old friend and I each have our own stories — there is no “one right story” about how this or that happened. We were living in the intricate landscape of human emotion and interpretation, her having her childhood traumas and imprints and me having mine — wounds we have healed and wounds we have not.
Neither of us is a victim.
Neither of us is to blame.
Not through Love’s eyes, anyway.
We are normal, messy humans doing our best in the messiness of the human experience.
Even so, I find it so unfortunate that humans keep ourselves in prison.
When there is a call for communion, to come together in a conversation that could leave us feeling deeply relieved, that could heal wounds and make every moment of our lives after that feel brighter, it is so sad that we choose to refrain from facing the pain so it can be healed.
Having been through five years of horrific migraines lasting up to 33 days apiece and 92 days of severe sciatica — I am intimate with physical pain.
Only by moving through it can we heal. One deep breath at a time, one moment of surrender after the next, our own willingness to put our ego in the backseat allows the truth of who we are to steer the ship.
Love is who we are.
Despite all seeming evidence to the contrary, Love is who we are.
Every single one of us.
Are you imprisoning yourself? Which relationship in your Life has pain in it that you’re still waiting to forgive? You can find freedom now or you can wait ‘til you’re almost in the grave.
Will you choose freedom today?
Tomorrow is Earth Day and my mama’s birthday.
Thank you Mother Earth for housing me and my fellow 9-billion housemates. Your beauty is utterly mindblowing — it helps us open our eyes to see the beauty of our own tender, wild human spirit.
Thank you Carmen Luisa for bringing me into this world, feeding me perfect food from your own precious body and being a living angel to me and so many other children — three of your own and hundreds of others.
I bow to all the mothers. Love says, “Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Mama.”
Michael Meade offers a free, inspired 29-minute talk on Earth Day and the Origins of Gaia. He says:
The loss of the wholeness and sacredness at the center of life is part of the history of the Earth. And each time creation needs to renew itself Gaia plays her essential, archetypal role as source of knowledge and mother of all. In order to experience Gaia as a genuine living presence, we need to connect with the core imagination that rests at the center of our own hearts and souls. In doing that, we can also tap deep inner resources that are not just reassuring to ourselves, but that are also necessary for healing and renewal on Earth at this time.
Sometimes a good laugh is the best medicine for pain. This cow’s enormous, mega-muscular tongue helped me remember this a few weeks ago.
Ever consider working with a Love Coach?
If you have a situation in your Life that's hard for you to forgive, and you could use support finding freedom ... stop postponing your joy! Schedule a 15-minute call with me to explore what's possible.
Whether you’re in pain or not, regardless of all circumstances — you are completely loved.
Jessica Rios, founder, Leaning into Light
Pain is a Gift in Disguise