The Gift in Discarded Friendship
how endings are also openings
It hurts when friendships end. We wonder, What for? Why? What did I do wrong?
Three years ago I would not have considered writing this piece. I had experienced closure in friendships, but never so painful that it drew up deep discoveries from within.
Have you had friendships die? Ones you grieved about and wanted to keep alive? Or ones you felt relieved to end, happy they had closed?
Most of the time in a primitive society, as with most issues, when friendships end we resort to lower vibrational frequencies. We blame each other — “I'm right, you're wrong” — it's sickness.
When we are coming from a higher frequency perception, we see that we are all equally lovable no matter what we are doing.
We are all worthy of love.
Unloving behavior is simply a reflection of illness, pain within — not a determinant of lovability. The behavior wants to dissolve because love is our essence — all of us.
When we experience unloving behavior, we can either add pain to pain by projecting blame, or create a world with more freedom in it — a world more rooted in love — by perceiving through love’s eyes.
Don’t get me wrong — Love sets and honors boundaries. Love doesn’t condone unloving behaviors. It simply doesn’t add pain to pain by focusing its attention in a place of blame — that comes from ego, not Love.
My life has been blessed with a very rich friendship landscape. I didn’t predict that I would eventually come to be grateful when certain friendships close.
And… ta-da!
Yet another surprise in the great mystery. Here’s the story.
For most of 20 years, I had two female friends who I was close with. Many years into our friendships, during an extremely low time in my life, these two women showed up for me in a very brave way.
They intervened. Since childhood, I had been addicted to food and sugar, and then in my mid 40s — I gave up.
I had been depressed for five months. I didn't know what to do. I was 60 lbs overweight, which is considered obese. I didn't know how to be my body's best friend.
One afternoon, I sat on the corner of my bed one day and spoke to God, “I give up. I surrender. I don't know how to be my body's best friend.”
And I meant it. I gave up. My commitment to eating well and exercising enough, never seemed to last.
In sheer exasperation and humility —
I surrendered.
Soon thereafter, these two friends approached me to share some difficult feelings. They were extremely concerned. I was physically heavy, flattened energetically, in despair. And my daughter was young. It did not feel good.
Now 3 ½ years later, these two women and I are no longer friends.
Even though I appreciated what they shared — I acknowledged their courage and I knew they loved me, still — I was in a low spot. So I'm sure I wasn't always graceful.
There were many conversations to try to sort out what had happened. The ‘breakup’ happened after brain surgery. When my massive tumor was removed, I began an intensive recovery process. I had decided to close my addiction to food and sugar and to committed to be my body's best friend.
Through it all, our conversations eventually led us to terminate our friendship.
In the messy experience called being human, my friendships with them were discarded.
My memory has never been great at recollecting factual details, history, what seems to have happened in this thing called reality. It’s never been a priority…
Except with feelings. I am emotively wired with a heart the size of Saturn.
What I do recall is big feelings being exchanged. Ways we all felt exhausted, disrespected, disappointed, brokenhearted.
They remained friends, living in the same town, yet my friendships with them were complete. Discomfort was too high to continue. And for at least a year I wished that we weren't true.
But eventually, sometime in early 2023, I surrendered — again. Completely.
What struck me was that the primary purpose of any relationship is to evolve the consciousness of the souls.
When two people come together, attracted to each other consciously or unconsciously, platonically or romantically, there is a reason why. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship. It could be a gas station attendant and a customer. It could be the future mother or father of your children.
It is because the souls involved are benefiting each other by interacting, whether it is for two minutes or 20 years.
And when it's done, it's done.
When the optimal mutual benefit has been exchanged, it’s done.
No longer is the interaction substantially beneficial to the evolution of consciousness.
When this massive ‘hit’ struck me, I began reflecting on my friendship landscape. This was 15 months ago. Again I was stricken with the richness, diversity, depth, and power in my community. Abundant support, spiritual depth and beauty, playfulness, collaboration, trust, affection, everything I wanted.
It was clear that although I couldn't see it at the time, there was a gift in those discarded friendships.
Discarded? To toss aside…
Something about it makes sense.
Even when you don't understand why a friendship ends, or a romantic relationship, you can choose to trust the reason is part of the perfect order that is always underway.
Something greater is coming — and yes, for both of you.
You simply aren't meant to interact with that person right now, even with your attention. When your thoughts go ‘over there’ to think about that person, simply bring them back to your own precious self. Bring them back to where they’re meant to be based — on your own precious, vibrant, radiant life.
You’ll eventually see, in retrospect, that your soul was meant to be met and served more beneficially in different places.
Different friendships, different relations.
Lean in to where you feel alive. Lean into the friendships that excite, ignite, and enliven you — the relations where you feel safe, valued and seen — those are the ones meant for the gift of your time and attention.
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