The Meaning of “I love you”
Have you been told, “I love you” yet today?
What — you have!? That’s wonderful.
Wait — you haven’t!? Let’s clear that up right now: I love you.
Contrary to the convincing song of our scarcity-minded species, you are completely loved and lovable, worthy of being told “I love you” many times a day. And your core being, your deepest awareness, where it matters most, does not need it to come from a specific person, like your partner or mom. Your core being simply needs to remember that you are totally loved and lovable.
Though not quite hypercommon like “How are you?”, the words “I love you” generously dot the human spoken landscape. They are spoken far less casually, in situations we consider special, usually reserved for relationships we feel are worthy of these three precious words — romantic partnerships, parent/child, best friends. And yet, the power behind the words “I love you” calls for deeper inquiry…
What do we mean when we say, “I love you”?
With Love as my religion since childhood, I’ve done some exploring around this question. Let me begin by being here now.
As I hike the trails in the green rolling hills where I live, speaking into my iPhone mic to ‘write’ this piece while I hike, “I love you” applies to you — you who are reading the words I am writing.
“I love you” is in the Now; it is not about what I feel for you tomorrow or yesterday. I love you brings us here, into the rich and tender canvas of human relationship. It brings us into deeper intimacy… and… that can feel scary for many of us. Understandably so, since we live in a world that is rooted in fear, which only Love can heal.
For most of my life, and even today in most situations when I hear these words, “I love you” means—
I deeply care for you
I care about what happens with you
I care about how you feel
You mean so much to me
I want you in my Life
On a deeper level, the deepest perhaps, “I love you” means—
I am at home with you.
You help me be more present to the Love that I Am.
I feel closer to God when I’m with you.
I feel my oneness with the totality, with Life, with you and everyone else, the oneness that is the I Am presence, when I am with you.
“I love you” means—
I would go to the edges of my comfort zone and even beyond, to speak out for you, to advocate for your well-being, to support you in your authentic journey in the human experience.
In a new romance, the words “I love you” can surface as soon as one week in, or even at first glance. The symphony of hormones and potent polarity at play in the field of sexual attraction can give rise to the feeling of Love very quickly. A person is willing to say “I love you” when they either feel safe enough to speak those somewhat vulnerable words — words that show they are invested emotionally, and with their physical presence — or they are smitten enough to not care if their mate runs the other direction soon. The feeling of Love is so compelling that it’s worth the risk.
Here’s something most people find surprising.
“I love you” isn’t inherently special; it can apply to everyone.
While it has been reserved for “special” relationships, especially romantic but also blood-family, I happen to 100% genuinely feel Love for every single human being — ready for this? — even those who choose to murderer, steal and rape. (Yow… that’s not easy to say.)
Why, you ask? What the heck am I saying here?
I will respond by asking: How could I add pain to pain? A world with more pain is not the world I want to experience or create with my thoughts, feelings, and actions. People who steal, violate, and kill are already in varying degrees of horrific pain as souls. My duty is to add a gentle perspective of compassion, the true forgiveness that Christ embodied and taught (which some strains of the Christian religion teach and some, quite the opposite) — not to express judgment and add pain to their picture. I am not saying they are ready to fully see and accept the Love they are, and to come from Love with their thoughts, feelings and actions. Clearly they are not…
Here, “I love you” means—
I can still hold the vision, I can still see, that this is the truth in the deepest part of them, and that one day they might discover the freedom, beauty and joy that exist in this state of awareness, from this perspective.
The wisest person I ever met was Tom Carpenter, my mentor for 23 years. He basically refused to collude with ego (fear) perception. He would not commune with the voice inside of me, that came from fear. He simply refused. Instead, he saw who I really am — Love — and he did this in a way I called “clairgenius” with anyone he encountered. He could ‘see’ your thoughts. He died a few years ago and I hope to one day see through eyes as advanced in Love’s seeing, as his were.
It usually startles people to some degree when I tell them that I love everybody, even though I only like a small percentage of people. It’s just so… weird. Unusual. In popular culture, which is emotionally and spiritually quite primitive, to love somebody is interpreted as being an increase in how much we like somebody.
When I ask my daughter’s friend, “Do you like that strawberry ice cream?” and she answers, “Oh no, I love this strawberry ice cream!”, she means that she super-duper-extra-mega likes the ice cream. It’s a whole lotta like, is what she means. That’s my interpretation, anyway.
As someone who declared Love as my religion when I was 8 years old, I see “like” and “love” having their own distinct definitions.
To like something conveys preferences. I like people who are mindful about their volume, who have mature use of eye contact, who actively work to heal their traumas. I don’t like people who are mindless about their volume, whether it’s the way they speak or the noise coming from their motorcycle tailpipe. All good, do your thing — it just isn’t something I prefer. I like homemade, organic mint chip ice cream. I like hearing accents from around the globe when I walk down the street rather than all-American, same ol’, same ol’ sounds. These are preferences. Likes. Very unique for each of us, when we live authentically. And that’s beyond OK — it is beautiful! Harley festival goers, have at it! You might not be a fan of my Latin Jazz concerts or Jerry Garcia Band shows.
Loving is much simpler and deeper than liking.
When we are holding judgment about another person’s choices — especially when that person’s actions are inconsiderate, harsh, distasteful, it may not be wise or even reasonable to say the words “I love you” to that person, yet still…
Here, “I love you” means—
I might not like you and… I see the Love you are!
We are in the human experience and I am not fooled by your disgraceful actions, rude comments, sloppy gestures, or insecure exclamations. I see you!
I see deep down, that there is a Light in your eyes that one day might have your full attention.
When we are addressing a charged issue — like feeling pressured to take sides when two friends are in conflict, or engaging in a conversation about the “woke” movement and transgender choices, or differing with a loved one’s decision to get the Covid-19 shot or not — it is far more difficult to see through the eyes of Love. More difficult to feel the “I love you” within.
We do not thrive in division. Love is missing, there.
We thrive in communion. We are at Home in oneness.
We can stand in Love’s powerful presence and accept our differences as one of the richest opportunities in the human experience. We can say, “Even though you make choices that I do not understand, I still can come from Love with you. I can still proclaim, “I love you.”
I love you means I feel at home with you.
I love you means I care deeply for you.
I love you means I want you in my life.
I love you means I am willing to greet the tough spots to feel our oneness rather than our illusory separateness.
These thoughts don’t reside in the intellectual brain. This is integrated-brain material. This is of the heart — wider, deeper, seeing and feeling in ways the mental brain cannot do alone.
Who might you extend “I love you” to today, to free yourself from the prison of limited perception you’ve been keeping yourself locked in? Consider hiking, dancing to your favorite songs or doing jumping jacks and then pulling out a pen to write an undelivered letter. Once you’ve written it, read it out loud to yourself and felt its essence move through you, you can burn it or keep it in your journal. I’ve got hundreds of these, kept in Undelivered Letters journals by my bedside for years and I highly recommend it. Tell the person you love them in an uncensored way. See how that feels. I’d enjoy hearing how it goes.
To all of you who’ve donated to help bring my book, Making Love to Fear, into being — thank you! I’ve almost reached my $800 goal for a 3-night writing retreat this spring. For those wanting to pitch in, there’s still time!
I hope you’re enjoying this day, aware of how truly precious it is to be alive.
Jessica Rios
Writer + Mother + Love Coach
Founder, Leaning into Light
Jessica! What an absolutely beautiful piece of writing! Thank you so much for being a beacon of love in this world. Your Light AND Love are dually needed, always, in all ways. Be still and know, my dear friend.